Saturday, February 23, 2008

Introspection.....


It is a cold, dreary, late winter morning; The rain seems to soak thru your clothes, flesh and bones, settling into your very marrow. It's the kind of cold, grey day that makes you think of the flu. This is the type of winter days I like, because the dreary feeling also comes across as being terribly introspective. It is with this thought in mind that I come to you with this particular post. I think I have been fooling myself...


How, you might ask, have I been doing that? Well, Ive been misleading myself with the notion that I might become more active in the Knights of Columbus any time soon, and that I might actually have the time to devote to the Secular Franciscan endeavours I have started. I'm not giving up on either objective, but I have -for the foreseeable future- put them both on the back burner.

Truth be told, I need to spend more time being a Dad and a Husband. This, in and of itself, is a convenient scapegoat for me, and one of the reasons I'm "giving up" for the interim. I want no excuses, no reasons whatsoever to do anything but face those things which are so important to me.....Does this make sense to you? If I don't have these things hanging around that "almost happen", I have no excuse to less than I ought to be doing.....Trust me, it doesn't sound so good in this format, but in my head? its a sound and constructive theory.

I think part of the reason I never do either thing is because I'm not supposed to at this time. "You have time later on" is something I hear from people alot. I guess I just felt like after so many years of being a terrible person, that I need to make up for it, you know? I pretty much spent the greater part of twenty years doing nothing but hanging out in industrial nightclubs drinking obscene amounts of vodka and having really meaningless, empty sex with lots of really screwed up girls (I never said I was a choir boy before I got married and became Catholic). So I get the feeling now, that I'm supposed to be making up for this hedonistic lifestyle I used to have.
NOW does it make sense?

So, here I am, typing this in at 3:13 AM after writing it early yesterday morning. I'm up waiting on my wife to get back from the hospital with out 6 year old, who had a really bad congestion problem a few hours ago, and so here I am, watching over his little brother as he sleeps soundly........Like I said, I think Ive got somewhere else to be.....

3 comments:

Barb, sfo said...

There is something to be said for doing things "in God's time." So if you have discerned that it's not time for those things right now, then yes--devote your time to the right things right now.
When the time is right, you will know, and you will be welcomed back.

Tausign said...

You have to discern this for yourself...I have a fraternal brother in SFO who is an officer in KOC also...I myself limit myself to SFO and have said 'no' to KOC.

But from my point of view it's not really a matter of time constraints...particularly for a vocation in the SFO. The real focus in not the amount of time spent in being a franciscan, but rather the transformation of ALL your time...every single second or your life, by the spiritual way or program that is adopted.

Consider the life of Matt Talbot who transformed his life of alcohol and regrets into a life of penance and sanctity. (That's the main appeal of a vocation).

I myself feel that an individual has to identify some 'way or path' in which to 'apply' their desire for holiness. Try reading this post and focus in on notion of adopting a program to move from 'holiness to sanctity' [ http://tau-cross.blogspot.com/2008/01/finding-your-spiritual-family.html ]

To sum: SFO vocation may not be your 'calling': and that's the only important question...'what is God asking of me here?" Namely, is HE asking me to change my life along this pathway?...not...'do I have enough time for this?

Peace and all good.

Steve said...

Thanks guys, I really appreciate the input! The thing is, I keep wanting to go to SFO meetings, to do these things, but it just seems like there are always "obstacles" in my way.

KofC left a bad taste in my mouth a while back via a really horrible debacle involving land that was donated to us, so I'm not so much stressed about that. Moreover the prevailing "political opinions" in my council don't seem not to jive with mine at present (if you recall Barb, I kinda went south on the current administration after the bloody mess they mad of Katrina).

But SFO, man I really, really, WANT to do it!!!But Meetings are always on a Sunday, which my wife works on,and there are only so many times I can afford to get a babysitter. I just feel as if I should wait until my children are older at present. The Cajun princess gets two sundays a month off now, and we go to mass as a family, and make a day of it, since we dont have very much time together (for the past 7 years, I have gone to Mass without her because of her work schedule) I just don't think I can commit to the SFO schedule just now, my family seems more important, you know?